that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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