Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
