When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
