My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
