WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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