just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
