Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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