Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
