the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
