I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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