At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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