Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
