mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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