i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize