I think I won the penis lottery.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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