In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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