dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
