If i could tip my vagina, i would.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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