my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
