textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
