i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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