I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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