Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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