Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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