How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
