k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
