Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
