The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
