If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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