You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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