So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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