Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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