If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
