why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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