someone threw a dead crab at me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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