I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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