Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
