i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
