now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
