I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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