I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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