Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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