I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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