don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize