you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
