does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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