rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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