okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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