the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
