I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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