when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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