Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just blew my weed a kiss
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
