am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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