You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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