If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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