And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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