There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
