Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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