Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
