My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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