I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
