tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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