matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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